It takes a truckload of faith to get by

There is a difference between facing my fears and having faith.  It may be subtle to some, but to me, it is the greatest paradigm shift in my world.

You see, I am brave.  I am one of those people who others might even say is fearless.  Give me a topic, any topic, and I can, will, and have stood up in front of thousands and deliver a 15 minute speech that will seem it had been written and rehearsed countless times.  I’ve developed this gradually over time by facing my fear of judgment, capability and all the nausea, sweating, and sleepless nights that it brings.  I have learned to “be brave”.

I travel alone.  Sure, the first time I was scared, almost to the point of it not being the first time.  But I sucked it up, prayed the rosary, took a Xanax, and went.  And the next time was easier.  And the time after that even more.  Now?  I’d rather not travel with anyone anytime thank you very much.

When I went skydiving the first time (back in the day of solo, tethered first jumps), I was so afraid, I found myself hanging from the strut, fear paralyzing me. I could NOT let go!  The jump instructor screaming at me, “We can’t land with you there!” 

Yes, I faced my fears, conquered them.  I am a WARRIOR!

But that my dear friends is limiting.

It has occurred to me that what I really, really want is to move in faith.

What’s the difference? 

Facing my fear is hanging on the strut of the plane, looking down, feeling the dread of possible death, adrenaline rising, stomach churning, flight or fight in full tilt mode and then letting go anyway.  It’s saying, “I am stronger than my fear.  I am more than my fear.  Fear, get behind me!” and then jumping.

Faith, is hearing the next three words from my jump instructor, “You got this!”

And believing I did.

Fear is saying, “I can handle anything negative that comes my way.”

Faith is saying, “Everything that comes my way is perfect.”

Fear is saying, “I can solve problems, tackle adversity, face my fear.”

Faith is saying, “Problems, adversity and fear are exactly what I need.”

Can you feel the difference?

It is so subtle that I don’t have the language for it.  I am not sure how to express it.  I am not sure how to feel it.  Or live it. But there is a difference.

And I have faith I will find it.